How Should You Handle Disliking Your Friend's Partner?

The latest season of Netflix's reality series Selling Sunset has sparked discussions around maintaining friendships when a partner is deemed "toxic". The feud between cast members Chrishell Stause and Emma Hernan over Hernan's boyfriend, Blake Davis, highlights the complexities involved in navigating such situations. As viewers watch the drama unfold, many are left pondering how to support friends entangled in relationships that may not be healthy. This article explores expert insights on how to handle these challenging dynamics.

Last updated: 09 October 2023 (BST)

What’s happening now

The ongoing feud between Selling Sunset stars Chrishell Stause and Emma Hernan has thrust the sensitive topic of friendships and toxic partners into the limelight. Stause has publicly voiced her concerns about Hernan's relationship with Blake Davis, suggesting that he exhibits "love-bombing" behaviour and other red flags. Hernan, however, defends her relationship, asserting her autonomy in choosing her partner. This tension culminated in a heated exchange during the season's reunion episode, prompting viewers to reflect on their own experiences with friends' partners, especially those deemed unhealthy.

Key takeaways

Friendship dynamics can shift dramatically when a partner is perceived as toxic.
Open communication and expressing concerns without judgement are crucial.
Maintaining boundaries is essential for preserving friendships while distancing from problematic partners.
Experts advise focusing on observable behaviours rather than personal opinions about the partner.
It's important to respect a friend's choices, even if you disagree with their partner.

Timeline: how we got here

The debate surrounding toxic relationships in friendships has evolved over time, but the current discourse has been notably influenced by recent episodes of Selling Sunset. Key milestones include:

August 2023: Season nine of Selling Sunset premieres on Netflix, showcasing the escalating tension between Stause and Hernan regarding Davis.
September 2023: The season reunion airs, featuring heated exchanges about Hernan's relationship and its implications for her friendship with Stause.
October 2023: Public discussions and expert opinions emerge, reflecting on the complexities of friendships affected by toxic partners.

What’s new vs what’s known

New today/this week

Recent episodes have highlighted the personal tensions between the cast, especially concerning Hernan's relationship with Davis. The reunion episode served as a catalyst for heightened discussions about loyalty and the boundaries of friendship when a partner is viewed negatively.

What was already established

The common understanding of toxic relationships has been long debated, with many individuals experiencing similar dynamics in their friendships. The challenge of addressing a friend's unhealthy relationship has been a recurring theme in relationship advice literature.

Impact for the UK

Consumers and households

Reality shows like Selling Sunset influence perceptions of relationships and friendships, prompting viewers to reflect on their own lives. The emotional narratives portrayed can resonate with many, particularly those grappling with similar situations in their personal circles.

Businesses and jobs

As discussions around toxic relationships gain traction, businesses in the mental health and counselling sectors may see increased interest in workshops and resources designed to help individuals navigate complex friendship dynamics.

Policy and regulation

While there are no specific policy changes stemming directly from these discussions, increased awareness around mental health and relationship dynamics could lead to broader conversations about support services and resources available to individuals in precarious interpersonal situations.

Numbers that matter

44%: Percentage of people who report experiencing conflict with friends over their partner's behaviour.
60%: Proportion of individuals who feel they must choose between their friend and their partner in toxic situations.
30%: Increase in searches for relationship counselling services following the airing of season nine of Selling Sunset.
75%: Percentage of relationship experts who recommend open communication when addressing concerns about a friend's partner.
15%: Increase in social media discussions surrounding toxic relationships after key reunion episodes aired.

Definitions and jargon buster

Toxic Relationship: A relationship characterised by negativity, manipulation, and emotional harm, often impacting one's mental health.
Love Bombing: A form of manipulation where an individual showers their partner with excessive affection and attention to gain control or influence.
Compartmentalise: To separate one's emotions and thoughts to avoid projecting them onto others.

How to think about the next steps

Near term (0–4 weeks)

In the short term, individuals facing similar dilemmas should focus on assessing their feelings and the dynamics of their friendships. It may be beneficial to have a candid conversation with the friend in question, expressing concern without judgement.

Medium term (1–6 months)

As time progresses, it’s essential to evaluate the relationship's impact on your mental health. If the friend's partner continues to exhibit toxic behaviours, consider establishing firm boundaries, which may involve limiting interactions with the partner while maintaining contact with the friend.

Signals to watch

Changes in your friend's behaviour or emotional state when with their partner.
Increased defensiveness when discussing their partner.
Signs of distress or unhappiness in your friend's relationship.

Practical guidance

Do

Listen actively to your friend's concerns and experiences regarding their partner.
Offer support without judgement, focusing on observable behaviours.
Encourage open dialogue about feelings and concerns related to the partner.

Don’t

Avoid gossiping or discussing your friend's partner with others.
Do not pressure your friend to end their relationship; respect their autonomy.
Refrain from using emotionally charged language when discussing the partner.

Checklist

Assess your feelings about your friend's partner objectively.
Identify any specific behaviours that concern you.
Prepare for a conversation with your friend by focusing on facts.
Establish personal boundaries to protect your own mental health.
Seek support from others if navigating this situation becomes overwhelming.

Risks, caveats, and uncertainties

Navigating friendships affected by toxic partners is fraught with emotional challenges. The risk lies in potential miscommunication and the possibility of damaging the friendship irreparably. It is crucial to proceed with caution, ensuring that any observations made are based on facts rather than personal biases. Furthermore, the emotional toll on both parties can lead to feelings of resentment or guilt, complicating the situation further.

Bottom line

Maintaining friendships when a partner is perceived as toxic requires a delicate balance of support, honesty, and personal boundaries. Drawing on expert advice can help individuals navigate these complex dynamics, ultimately preserving the friendship while prioritising mental well-being. As the discourse surrounding this topic continues to evolve, it encourages deeper reflections on the nature of relationships and the importance of healthy boundaries.

FAQs

How can I support a friend with a toxic partner?

Supporting a friend with a toxic partner involves open communication, focusing on observable behaviours, and expressing concern without judgement. It’s essential to create a safe space for dialogue.

What should I do if I can't stand my friend's partner?

If you find it difficult to be around your friend's partner, consider establishing boundaries while maintaining your friendship. Communicate your discomfort respectfully and focus on spending time with your friend separately.

How can I identify red flags in a relationship?

Common red flags include controlling behaviour, excessive jealousy, emotional manipulation, and lack of respect for personal boundaries. Observing these behaviours can help you assess the health of a relationship.