How Can Parents Reignite Their Connection After Kids?

Many couples, like Rebecca and her husband, experience a shift in their relationship dynamics after becoming parents. With the demands of raising children often overwhelming, couples can feel disconnected and struggle to maintain their romantic bond. Experts like psychosexual therapist Kate Moyle and relationship coach Sam Owen suggest that nurturing a relationship post-children requires intentional effort and adaptation rather than trying to recreate the past.

Last updated: 10 October 2023 (BST)

What’s happening now

Rebecca's story highlights a common issue faced by many couples after welcoming children into their lives. The transition from partners to parents can lead to feelings of disconnection and exhaustion, often leaving couples struggling to find time for one another. As they navigate the challenges of parenthood, many find that their relationship falls into a routine of cohabitation, focusing solely on parenting duties rather than nurturing their romantic bond.

Key takeaways

Post-childbirth, many couples report feeling disconnected and more like cohabiting parents than romantic partners.
Experts advise that relationship dissatisfaction often peaks within the first three years of a child’s life.
Small gestures of affection can maintain connection and intimacy amidst the chaos of parenting.

Timeline: how we got here

The journey into parenthood often begins with excitement and anticipation. However, as new parents navigate the demands of caring for a newborn, many couples experience a significant shift in their relationship dynamics. Key milestones include:

Year 1: The arrival of the first child often leads to a major lifestyle change, with many couples facing new challenges and responsibilities.
Year 2: The stress of parenting can lead to increased relationship dissatisfaction, as couples struggle to find time for intimacy.
Year 3: With the arrival of multiple children, the pressure on the relationship can intensify, leaving couples feeling disconnected.

What’s new vs what’s known

New today/this week

Recent insights from relationship experts have emphasised the importance of small, daily gestures to maintain connection in a relationship post-children. These small acts, referred to as "sexual currency," play a crucial role in bridging the gap that can develop between partners.

What was already established

It has long been understood that becoming parents can significantly alter the dynamics of a relationship. The demands of parenting can leave couples feeling isolated from each other, with many experiencing dissatisfaction in their romantic lives during the early years of child-rearing.

Impact for the UK

Consumers and households

The emotional and relational challenges faced by parents can have broader implications for households in the UK. Disconnected relationships can impact family dynamics and overall household happiness, influencing everything from parenting styles to children's emotional well-being.

Businesses and jobs

As parents struggle to balance work and home life, businesses may see the effects of disengaged employees. Employers that offer support for working parents, such as flexible hours and mental health resources, may see improvements in employee satisfaction and productivity.

Policy and regulation

Government policies aimed at supporting families, such as parental leave and childcare provisions, are essential in alleviating some of the pressures that contribute to relationship dissatisfaction among new parents. Ongoing discussions about family support services are crucial for enhancing the quality of family life in the UK.

Numbers that matter

Approximately 40% of parents report feeling more like roommates than partners after having children.
Studies show that relationship satisfaction is often at its lowest during the first three years of parenthood.
Couples who engage in at least one date night a month report higher satisfaction levels in their relationships.

Definitions and jargon buster

Sexual currency: Small physical gestures that create intimacy and connection between partners.
Relationship dissatisfaction: A feeling of discontent or lack of fulfilment in a romantic partnership.

How to think about the next steps

Near term (0–4 weeks)

Couples should focus on establishing small routines that encourage connection, such as sharing meals without distractions or setting aside time for a nightly check-in.

Medium term (1–6 months)

As couples become more comfortable with their routines, they might consider planning regular date nights or engaging in activities that foster intimacy and communication.

Signals to watch

Increased feelings of connection or intimacy following small gestures of affection.
Openness to discussing relationship concerns or emotions during quiet moments together.

Practical guidance

Do

Make time for daily check-ins with your partner.
Prioritise small physical gestures to maintain connection.
Engage in activities together that nurture your bond.

Don’t

Neglect your relationship in favour of parenting duties.
Avoid difficult conversations about feelings and relationship dynamics.
Take each other for granted; actively show appreciation.

Checklist

Set a regular date night or dedicated couple time.
Unplug from devices during meals or family time.
Practice small daily gestures of affection.
Communicate openly about feelings and challenges.
Seek professional help if needed to address deeper issues.

Risks, caveats, and uncertainties

While many couples can navigate the challenges of parenthood successfully, not all relationships will improve with these strategies. Individual circumstances vary widely, and some couples may require professional support to work through deeper issues. It's essential to approach these changes with an open mind and a willingness to adapt.

Bottom line

Maintaining a strong relationship after having children is challenging but achievable. Couples need to invest in their relationship intentionally, focusing on small, meaningful actions that foster connection. By prioritising their bond, partners can navigate the complexities of parenthood while nurturing their romance.

FAQs

How can we reconnect as a couple after having children?

Reconnecting after children involves intentional efforts like regular date nights, small gestures of affection, and open communication about feelings and challenges.

Is it normal to feel disconnected after having kids?

Yes, many couples experience feelings of disconnection after having children due to the demands of parenting and lifestyle changes.

What are some small gestures to improve intimacy?

Small gestures can include hand-holding, hugging, kissing, or simply making eye contact during conversations to foster a sense of connection.